Promise of Light

     When Dr. Cooke told Jeff he had cancer, with pain management being the only option, we’d been married only three months.  My world came to an abrupt end.  How could this be happening to us now?  Jeff was only twenty-five.  

   
     Jeff was my life, which was supposed to be lived “Happily Ever After.”  But “Happily Ever After” wasn’t going to be in our future, and I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to handle what was yet to come.
   
     The drive home was quiet, as Jeff and I let the news sink in.  The road ahead of me became a blur at times, as tears streamed down my face.  My heart was breaking and I couldn’t hide it, no matter how much I wanted to.  I wanted to think only of Jeff, but the tears kept flowing.
  
      When we got home Jeff was tired so he went upstairs to lie down while I fixed dinner and did a few things around the house.  I had to keep busy so I wouldn’t think about things.
    
     I was busy in the kitchen when the phone rang.  It was Jeff’s grandmother, Rose.  She could tell by the tone in my voice something was wrong.  She was the type of person who wouldn’t stop until she knew everything.  Finally I broke down and told her about the doctor’s appointment. I tried to hold back the tears but they came like a flood yet again.  
    
     Rose said with strength in her voice, “Dry those tears young lady. You have to be strong now.  I know it’s hard, but we have to be strong.  God has never failed us yet, and he’s not going to start now.”
   
     “I know Grandma, but--” was all I got out before she said in a firm tone, “No time for buts either.  You have to dig your heels in and stand strong in your faith.  Get alone with God and let him help you with this.”
   
     “I know Grandma, but it’s so hard, and I can’t imagine life without Jeff.”
   
     “Stop thinking of life without him and enjoy the time you have left.  Remember we are not promised tomorrow, so enjoy every minute you have with him now, and let God take care of the future.”
   
     “I’ll try.  Grandma, can you come for a visit?” I asked, as I dried the tears from my eyes.
   
     “Wild horses couldn‘t keep me away.  I’ll call the airline and get a flight out as soon as possible.  Hang in there honey, God is strong enough to carry you through this.”
   
     “I know Grandma, but it’s really hard.”
   
     “You’re stronger than you think.”
   
     “I hope so, ‘cause I’m really feeling weak.”
   
     “Kiss Jeff for me and tell him Grandma loves him.”    
   
     “I will” I said as I hung up the phone.  
   
     I sat at the kitchen table with my head in my hands, and cried.  I had to let all the tears out before Jeff got up.  I had been sitting there for a few minutes when I felt Jeff’s hands on my shoulders “Baby. It’s okay” he said.
   
     I dried my tears and placed my hands on his “I know sweetheart. Your Grandma is coming to visit.”
   
     Jeff sat beside me at the table and we talked as we ate our dinner.  I tried hard that night to take Grandma Rose’s advice and just enjoy every minute I had with Jeff, like sitting at the table with him and enjoying conversation about the day.   Jeff and I seemed to have our best conversations at the dinner table.
   
     The next morning Jeff and I were at the airport to meet Grandma Rose’s flight.  We were both anxious to see her.  I saw her come through the gate, her gray hair in a bun on her head, and a sweet smile on her face. She wore her best blue dress and one of her famous quilted purses hung from one arm, her bible cradled in the other.  I had never seen her without her bible, worn though it was.
   
     I had always been close to my family, and since Jeff and I had started dating I became close to his Grandma Rose. She reminded me a lot of my own grandma who had passed away.
   
     Grandma Rose hugged Jeff and said, with tears in her eyes, “Baby boy.  Grandma loves you and everything’s going to be okay.”
   
     “I know Grandma” Jeff said, as he wiped his eyes. I wasn’t as brave as Jeff was. I hugged Grandma and bawled.  I could feel her strength as she said, “It’s okay honey. God’s going to help us through this.”
   
     When we got home, Grandma Rose and I sat down to eat, while Jeff took another nap.  She asked the blessing and we were quiet for a few minutes.  Grandma said, with tears in her eyes, “I know how hard this is for you honey.” She paused to catch her breath. “I lost my Henry to cancer too.  We had been married for 48 years, and I don’t know which is harder, to lose someone, early in your marriage, or after 48 years.  I still miss Henry and there are days I think I’ll go crazy, but when those days come I remind myself that God will be the husband to the widow and I start thinking on the good times I had with Henry and how God blessed us with a wonderful life. But most of all I remember that someday I’ll be able to join Henry and we won’t be old anymore.  You have to dig deep inside and remember who’s in charge.”
   
     I felt a lump rise in my throat as I reached for words. “I know God is big, and I have seen his miracles before, but it’s easy to have faith for other people.  It’s hard to have it for yourself or for someone you love as much as I love Jeff.  I keep thinking, Grandma, how unfair it is to lose Jeff, especially now.” I paused to wipe up the soda I had spilled when I slammed my glass on the counter.
   
     “Honey, no matter when we lose them we think it’s not fair, but I can tell you from experience that it’s not fair to them for us to hang on when they are in as much pain as Henry was.  Henry hung on for me till I was strong enough to let him go. I had to put everything in God’s hands, and still do every morning when I get up.  God never promised us fair, but he did say he would never allow more than we could bear to come upon us.” Grandma replied, a note of excitement had crept into her voice, but try as I would, I could not feel it myself.
  
      “There’s more to why I think it’s so unfair.” I said, as I placed my hand on my stomach “I haven’t said anything to Jeff yet, because I’m not sure, but I think I might be pregnant”     
   
     Grandma took a deep breath. “Honey, a child is a blessing, no matter when they come, and especially when there’s so much sadness.”
   
     A blessing? I hadn’t thought of it that way. I’d only thought of losing Jeff. A child with Jeff’s dark eyes and my brown hair.  A boy?..  A girl?.  A child would be a way of preserving the love Jeff and I shared even after his death.

     “You know Grandma. I think a child might just be a blessing in disguise. A way of preserving the love Jeff and I share.” I kissed Grandma on the cheek and said,
    
    “Would you mind if I went out for a few minutes.  I need a few things from the store and I don’t like leaving Jeff alone.”
   
     “I’ll clean up and unpack while you’re gone. I won’t say anything to Jeff about our little girl talk.” Grandma said, with a sly wink.
   
     On my way to the store I started talking to God, something I hadn’t done in a while. I asked him to have His will and help me to be strong enough to handle whatever was on the way. I couldn’t bear the burden that was on my shoulders alone.  I needed help that only He could provide and I thanked Him for Grandma Rose and her wisdom.
   
     I knew deep inside that with God’s help, and Grandma Rose, I would be able to face the uncertain future.  Jeff and I had a hard road ahead of us, no matter what happened, but I had a deep peace knowing that we could face it.